Asphyxiation by... bridesmaid dress?

I almost died yesterday.

Ok, perhaps that's a wee bit dramatic, but at the time, I literally was afraid that I would slip into unconsciousness before someone would save me.

Yesterday at around 5pm, my apartment was a sweltering 85 degrees. My a/c had broken (again!) and I came in from work to find myself in a sauna. Sitting on the door step was a box I had been waiting for all week and so I rushed in, tore open the box, and pulled out my bridesmaid dress. For some unfathomable reason, I decided I needed to try it on right then.

As anyone who has ever been in a wedding knows, there is always quite a bit of drama regarding bridesmaid dresses. Often, you don't get to try it on beforehand and there is quite a concern about whether said gown will fit once it finally comes in. This particular dress was even more dramatic for me, as I had no time to be measured for it prior to ordering. My very oldest friend, Katie, has a rather short engagement and so I had exactly 2 hours to order my dress from the day I was asked to be in the wedding until the order had to be filled. So, I guessed on a size.

As I was preparing to dive into the dress, I realized that the zipper stuck some and would likely be difficult to zip up on my own. In a moment of sheer brilliance, I decided that, rather than stepping into the dress and trying to zip it, I would leave it zipped and tug it over my head. Perfect plan... until the layer of boning got caught around my chest as I was tugging it on. I pulled and pulled, but to no avail. The dress would not budge. I couldnt pull it back over my head and I couldnt pull it down into place. Instead, I had a very snug-fitting layer of boning cutting off my ability to breathe. And remember that pesky zipper? Yep, completely stuck.

I began to panic! I wasn't breathing. I was sweating (did I mention that the dress has about 5 layers of floor-length chifon?). No matter how hard I tugged or twisted, I was quite literally stuck. As the room started to tilt from my lack of breathing, I crumpled to the floor. Ah! As I lay flat on my back, I realized there was just enough room to take very shallow breaths. Oxygen!

What was I going to do? My neighbors werent home (and that would have been an embarrassing introduction, since I have never talked to them before). I couldn't cut myself out of the dress. I was going to die in my apartment... from a bridesmaid dress.

The oxygen must have started restoring my rational side, because I suddenly realized... I have friends! I struggled to my feet again, feeling the agonizing loss of breath as I got vertical, and hurried for my phone. Once again on the ground, in a heap of chifon and sweat and panic, I called my friend, Lauren. No answer. Recall. No answer. Recall. No answer (LAUREN, WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I AM DYING?!). Recall.

After 5 or so attempts, she answered! In a breathy panic, I explain the situation and she rushes to my apartment to save me! After a few agonizing minutes, Lauren appears and manages to fight the zipper, freeing me to breathe again! Ah, sweet oxygen!

Being a bridesmaid is a dangerous job.