Oh, Baby!

I've always wanted to be a mom. Always. 

I admit, I thought my story would be a little more traditional. 

But leave it to me to do my own thing. 

#SingleMomLife, here I come.


Three years ago, I started doing that thing we all do when we turn 30: taking stock of the last decade of our life and looking forward to the next. What had I accomplished? What had I yet to achieve? Was I where I wanted to be in life? And mostly, I was satisfied. I had pursued education and was devoted to my career. I was financially stable and content. I was confident in who I was as a person, and had an incredible network of friendships and family that fulfilled my life. Sure, my personal life hadn't quite worked out the way I wanted, but I wasn't sad about that; I was pretty good at being alone to be honest. The only thing I still really wanted that was out of my reach was to be a mom.

Being the Type-A problem solver that I am, I started thinking through what this meant. What were my options? Should I foster or adopt? Should I hold out a few more years (30 is still young!) in case I do get married? Could I do the mom thing on my own? If so, I definitely needed to get out of my one-bedroom apartment and increase my salary to afford childcare. It was time for a plan.

So, I made a career path plan with my boss.
And I started house hunting.
And I read every book & website I could about options for single parents.
I researched and prayed and talked to other women.
And then I made a decision.

I wanted to have a baby, and I wanted to try and carry it myself- because I 1000% believe in adoption, but I wanted the experience of being pregnant, at least once. So I talked to my doctor. And then a fertility specialist. And I made a timeline roadmap. I told my parents. And my friends. And I bought a house. And got a second dog. And saved up money. And picked a donor. And went on the emotional roller coaster of trying to get pregnant. And... here we are.

It's been three years in the making, with SO MUCH love and support from my tribe. These first 17 weeks of motherhood have been the hardest of my life. Because pregnancy is actually not something my body loves. I have basically thrown up in every store and bush and roadside in Richmond, and have sobbed over crackers and popsicles. I have muttered "I am going to die" on my bathroom floor more times than I can count. But not once have I had a single doubt about my decision. Not once. 

I know this Single Mom thing is going to be hard-- all the really amazing things in life usually are. But... I am as ready as I'll ever be.

Baby Stallard: Coming mid-December 2018
Gender: TBD on August 1st
Momma: thankful to feel semi-human for the first time in months; starting to show!
Pups: Oblivious
Grandparents: OVER THE MOON! (See video for a good Dad cry)

You're Grandparents!

Baby S at 9 weeks

Baby S at 16 weeks

Whimsical Wisdom

"Your Majesty, please... I don't like to complain,

But down here below, we are feeling great pain.

I know, up on top you are seeing great sights,

But down here at the bottom we, too, should have rights.

We turtles can't stand it. Our shells will all crack!

Besides, we need food. We are starving!" groaned Mack.

This weekend we celebrated the birthday of Dr. Seuss and my newsfeed was full of some pretty fantastic quotes, pulled from the beloved books of my childhood. As I began to think fondly on those books, I was struck by the things they (secretly) taught me about people and the world. The Lorax made me remember the environment. Green Eggs and Ham taught me to try new things. The Grinch made me question, "what if Christmas doesn't come from a store? What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more."  

To be clear, I didn't learn all my life lessons from these books, but children can learn lessons without knowing that is what they are doing. Adults, on the other hand, have a harder time.   As I was considering Seuss' birthday, I contemplated my favorite Seuss book. It wasn't one that I read as a child. Rather, my high school boyfriend gave it to me as a gift. I cant exactly remember if it was for my 18th birthday or for Graduation... but my senior year of high school I was given Yertle the Turtle.  

But I didn't read it at 18.
Or 21.
Or 23.
But the year I turned 25, I moved. And I found Yertle.  

At 25, I was a different person than I had been at 18. Much different. My faith beliefs were different. My political beliefs were (much) different. My attitude about people was different. And there I was, 25 years old, being taught a very important life lesson from Dr. Seuss.  

If you haven't read about King Yertle, you should. It can change your life, if you let it.
Or, just maybe, it can cause you to change someone else's.  

"And the turtles, of course... all the turtles are free
As turtles and, maybe, all creatures should be."

 

Dresses and Desserts

Last week was a hell of a week. I know I don't usually use words like that, but it's the only way I can think to describe it. I worked 14 hour days. I had huge meetings- some went well, some did not. Two major projects I am working on came to a head. At the same time. You know- that kind of week. I could barely afford to step away from my computer for meals and I absolutely could not afford to take a day off.

But that's exactly what I did.

My friend, Lauren, is getting married and, as all women know, when a bride goes wedding dress shopping, it's some girl rule that you bring an entourage. I'm not sure why; who really wants all those opinions?! But I guess the fear of being trapped in 29 layers of tulle is enough to make you want a team with you. (For those of you who have been with me a while, you may remember that a bridesmaid dress once tried to kill me...)

And so, I hunted for dresses and put them on hangers. I stuffed them in garment bags and fought off the static. I took pictures of different dress details and gave moral support or honest feedback as needed. And after it was all over, I drank a glass of wine and ate a big fat piece of chocolate cake.

Because that's what girlfriends do- dresses and desserts. Lauren will only be married once, and spending those moments with her, tearing up over dresses, laughing over chocolate. That's what life is really about. Nothing I could have done at work was more important than those moments. Nothing.

Friends. Family. Occasions. That's what makes a life.
And chocolate cake, of course. :)

Namaste

In college, I practiced yoga. Four days a week.
Since college, I've practiced yoga. Four times total. (or there abouts)

I love yoga. I love the movement. I love the stillness. I love the general practice of body and breathing. But I havent had time for it.

On Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday of last week, I pulled out my yoga mat, and downward dogged my way back into the practice. I realized I am not as limber as I used to be but my muscles still remembered the poses. As a result, I slept better and I felt better.

Exercise is often one of the first things to slip off my list. Because I dont "have time" for it. And because I dont generally like to do it. However, by making some time, I remembered that my body needs the exercise, my mind needs the calm. And while I may never be a master yogini, I can take steps to shaping my body and mind to a healthier zone.

Plus, who can resist the "Happy Baby" pose?! :)

Namaste,
Amanda

Just Breathe

I had two big meetings today. And when I say "big," I mean BIG.

No, they weren't the most important meetings ever. No, they didnt have the most important people in attendance. No, I wasnt about to tilt the world on it's axis.

However, they were meetings that I had been preparing for for weeks. I had combed through data and created spreadsheets and powerpoints and had thought and rethought (and rethought) what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it, so that my point got across. It was a project that I had poured my heart into.

I think that's one of my "problems." I pour myself into things. I care about them. I fight for them. I get passionate about them. This is especially true at work. And recently I felt myself getting my back up in meetings. Because people didnt see the work I was doing, or because they didnt understand the importance, or because they werent putting in as much effort and time as I was. And let me be the first to admit-- getting your back up is the first way to ensure no one listens to you.

Knowing this about myself, 15 minutes before my meeting, I found an empty room.

And I breathed.
And breathed some more.
And recited the 7 dwarves and did some mental math (engages intellect rather than emotion- try it!).
And breathed some more.

And my meetings went exceptionally well. Better than I could have hoped.
Sometimes, we need to slow down. To recenter. To just breathe.

Going Dark and Zeta Love

I am uber connected.

I have a phone, (three) computer(s), facebook, 4 email addresses, Facetime, a twitter feed, a LinkedIn site, an Instagram, and a blog. I have apps that allow me to play games with friends and family far away (Boggle anyone?). When I forget my phone at home, I feel naked. It is almost never more than 2 feet away from me. And. I. Check. It. Obsessively.

I have never actually calculated the amount of time I spend looking at my phone, or my computer, or my social media sites... but I guarantee it would make me sick to my stomach if I actually did. As I considered the concept of "making time" last week, I realized that sometimes you have to give things up in order to make extra space. Painful thought, I know.

With that in mind, I walked into Friday afternoon knowing that it was time for a media fast. From Friday evening until Sunday morning, I stayed off my phone. Off my computer. Off my social media sites. And I made time to look at something other than a screen.

It was terrifying. And glorious.

It reminded me that the world still spins without me knowing what everyone I know was eating for dinner. More importantly, it reminded me that the world still spins without me updating you all on my every thought (quippy and brilliant, though they may be). It reminded me that being connected is good-- connected to people, or the outdoors, or to a good night's sleep. It reminded me to look beyond my own little world and facebook friends. To think without googling. To look out the window for the weather instead of an app. To experience. Going dark can shed a lot of light.

So what about the rest of my weekend? Sunday, I did that Jesus thing at church and helped with our Lunch with the Pastor event. By 4pm, I was home and the worst headache of my life was setting in. You know the kind. Your head feels like it could break into pieces with the slightest touch. Yet, ironically, you are absolutely convinced there is an entire miniature drum line beating on the inside of your skull. That kind of headache.

There was nothing I wanted more than to turn off every light and crawl straight into my bed. And I almost did. Until I remembered, I had a ZTA chapter meeting. And a meeting afterward. And it was 30 minutes away. In the cold. And I wouldn't be home until 10pm. AND I had to dress up. *sigh* For a brief moment, I considered calling in sick, which would have been totally legit, but then I remembered something my pastor had said just that afternoon: "Two things in life that define us are our relationships and our commitments." Dang.

I had committed to attend; I had committed my time to these women. I had committed my focus and attention and presence. Buck up, Stallard, and put on your high heels.

Maybe that's not an example of "making" time, but it sure was a choice on how to use my time. Sometimes doing the right thing with our time requires some sacrifice. I chose to follow through on my commitments, to build trust and confidence in my relationships, rather than crawling into bed. Drum line and all, I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Shock and Awe

I often jokingly say, "I don't like people."

This, of course, isn't true. I like people just fine. I even love a lot of them. What I really mean is that I don't generally prefer to be around them in large groups. As an introvert, being around people is exhausting for me. I have to be "on" most of the time. I have to think about what I am wearing, what I am saying, what my facial expression is conveying, if I am talking too fast, or reacting too slow. It's seriously exhausting for me... even when it is for "fun."

Add to that, I am a homebody. I like my books and my dog and making dinner at home. I like throwing on pajamas and my hair in a ponytail and having the choice whether I want to dance around my kitchen or sit in the silence. I like not having to go back out once I am in, and I sure as heck cant think of anything fun about driving far away to sit in a loud public place around a bunch of strangers who make me feel awkward or bored. Being in public, or around people I don't know, often intimidates me or makes me insecure to the point of embarrassment.

With that in mind, two of my co-workers (extroverts, I might add) have decided I need a social life. For months (and I do mean months) they have been trying to get me "out." At first, it was blatant attempts to drag me to a happy hour, then it was more covert invitations to "grab dinner." I have always, always declined. Because, you know, my shoes hurt, or my dog is waiting, or I was having a bad hair day, or I have to work for a couple more hours, or the straight up "I don't think so, guys."

So today, when one of them jokingly noted that we had a rough week and we should grab a drink after hours, my brain was thinking "no way, Jose" but somehow, my lips said "Ok"-- shocking us all. Picture it. "Ok" pops out of my mouth and 3 jaws hit the floor. Shock and awe have knocked the wind out of each of us (oh crap, did I just say YES?!?) Within moments, before I could back pedal, the girls were packing their purses and carting me off to the nearest restaurant for a lovely pink drink and some bar-worthy appetizers.

And here's the thing... it wasn't so bad. In fact, it was pretty great.We laughed. We ate. We complained about men. We enjoyed some music. We bonded.

Sometimes, we have to push out of our comfort zones. We have to be our version of adventurous. We have to say yes when we want (so badly) to say no. We have to make time to build relationships, because we can't always fly solo. We have to try. Just a little bit.

And we might just find, it can be pretty great.

Call me Indiana Jones,
Amanda

Homer, You're A Genius!

"There is a time for many words, and there is also a time for sleep." -Homer, The Odyssey

Wednesday Bed Time: 8:30pm.
Best. Idea. Ever.
Make time to sleep every once in a while, y'all.
I felt like a million bucks today.

Confessions

I didn't make time today. Not for anything constructive, or affiriming, or educational, or positive.

It was one of those days. You know the kind. It's raining, you can't find your keys, there are literally no parking spots, ALL of your meetings run late, and every. little. thing. annoys. you.

That was my day. I could go into the woes of smashed cell phones and ignorant clients and snappy co-workers and wet feet and, and...

So, I wallowed in my crummy attitude and I glared out the window with annoyance. I cursed the rain for making me cold and I blamed it all on something or someone. Even stomping through the door and pouring myself into my favorite sweatpants and hoodie didn't seem to make the slightest difference. Because they were static-y and not warm enough and the pockets felt funny.

You know, that kind of day. Sigh.

I'd like to sit here and justify it ("we all have days like that...") but the reality is, I didn't even try to turn my day around. Not once.

As I sat down to write this blog post tonight, I realized that I didn't want to "make time" today. For myself or for others. I didn't want to be thankful that the rain is preparing the ground for the new life of Spring. I didn't want to be joyful that I have a job (which I love, most days!). I didn't want to give a little grace to the people who had to be around my foul mood today, or to celebrate the fact that I have a fully repaired phone, at no cost to me. I just wanted to be grouchy.

Shame on me.

If there is anything that I know to be true, it is that we can control our attitude, and today I failed at that. I also know that this Lenten practice thing requires some discipline, and I failed at that, too. But... maybe most importantly, I know that we get more than once chance to get it right, even (maybe especially) when we stumble. Tomorrow, I'll try a little harder, and be grateful that I am not confined to my attitude of today.

Here's hoping your day was full of sunshine and lolipops, but if it wasn't, I hope you'll join me in trying harder tomorrow.

Pressing forward,
Amanda

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness

Happy President's Day, Friends.

For some of us, today was a holiday. A three-day weekend. An extra day to sleep in (which I did), or nap (which I also did), or catch up on things (which I sort of did- if catching up on the DVR counts).

But for the most part, I doubt many of us thought about the significance of today. As part of my "making time" practice, I spent some time today researching President's Day and why we celebrate it.

I read up on George Washington (the celebration of his birthday is the original purpose behind President's Day, btw) and remembered all the things I had learned about him in school, and on my visits to Williamsburg and Mount Vernon. I thought of the history papers I wrote on him in elementary school, and the way he helped to change our country. I pondered the Declaration of Independence. Our Constitution. Our liberties. Our patriotism.

Then, I thought about countries I have visited where the leadership is not like ours. Countries in Africa that are politically unstable and unsafe for the people. Countries in Europe that have a history of corrupt dictatorships and oppressive governments.  Islands and territories that have spent a significant portion of their history dealing with the aftermath of colonization.

Whatever your political differences may be, whatever party you vote with, whatever color you lean toward... we are quite blessed to live in a country like America. On this day, this President's Day, I am remembering and celebrating that we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

Life. Liberty. Happiness.
If only all the world were granted those same rights.